How to Disagree But Find Ways to Save Lives
Cultivate ‘allowance’ for others
History repeats itself in cruel and inhuman ways.
Come on people. If we don’t figure out how to get this right, we’re doomed. We will end up replaying it over and over again like a tape that's wound too tight, all jammed up in our car stereo.
This is important. And we all have to get to the bottom of it.
I know it seems it’s all happening ‘over there.’ And we think we can continue to live our lives, ‘over here.’ But that’s not the case.
The world is so much smaller now. We can see the dead bodies in real-time, watch the homes burn to the ground, and hear the wails of the mothers. The intolerance and judgment at the roots of the conflict are among us. So we’d better learn how to resolve things before we end up in a similar situation.
When you can make a connection with someone who has a different view of events, it creates a different possibility for our communities.
It’s been a scary time in history for the world.
Israel and Palestine are locked in a no-win situation
I don’t profess to understand the complex details of historical events in the territories occupied by Israelites and Palestinians.
Even naming the land comes with confusing complexities.
Searches result in land names that are obviously slanted toward one community over the other.
Palestinian Territory
Part of the Southern Levant
Canaan, the Promised Land, the Land of Israel, or the Holy Land
Gaza, The West Bank, Occupied Palestinian Territory
No matter what the semantics are, the two sides have strong beliefs in their versions of events. I have an opinion too, but that’s not the way forward.
The ongoing violence isn’t helping anyone move toward peace. It’s also not helping anyone get hostages back, or return the lives of the people who have been brutally killed, on both sides.
More people are dying every day. Isn’t there something we can do to stop it?
The dispute has deep roots and one would have to have in-depth knowledge and understanding to begin to sort it out. I don’t know who would be the best person in the world to do this, but I certainly hope there is someone who can do it.
Maybe it’s unrealistic to assume that a single person will be able to solve this dispute.
We’d need the leaders of both communities, international mediators, regional organizations, and grassroots peacebuilders to begin with. The involvement and commitment of key political leaders from both sides would be key.
They would need the trust of the people from both sides of the war and the power to negotiate peace. Then they would need the power and support of the world to enforce the terms of the joint decision.
And they need to keep the corporations and the oil money out of it.
I’m not the person who can do this, but I can’t see any other way to solve the problem.
All I can do is talk about ways that people can work together to heal.
Engaging in respectful conversations, seeking reliable sources, and listening to everyone’s perspectives can help broaden our understanding. Hopefully, that will contribute to some kind of solution.
The US has their own problems
There have been so many shootings in the US this year that it boggles the mind. When I hear ‘breaking news from the US’, I know it’s another shooter. More people are dead, and more children are killed. And the shooter usually isn’t a Black person or an Immigrant, they’re a troubled person who was so angry that they couldn’t stop themselves.
No one seems to know how to make it stop. We’ve been disappointed so many times before. The work of healing continues as the divide in the United States still exists.
It happens all over the world.
Different factions have strong beliefs and each generation contributes to the divide. Then the sides become entrenched and things blow up. People die, and we ask, “Why is this still happening?.”
What to do when you disagree with someone?
Understanding another person’s perspective can help.
Both of you have to be willing to listen.
We can’t change who someone is, deep down. Truly understanding the perspective of another person takes patience and a willingness to change our minds about our strongly held beliefs.
All we can do is be open to their stories. In return, we ask that they listen to ours. In that way, we can learn more about each other’s orientation to events.
Remaining in allowance and keeping a positive attitude can give you the stamina to create a positive interpretation of events.
When you allow others to create their own lives, it gives you permission to do the same.
Allowance is the key.
Allowance is not about tolerating abuse.
There is a difference between acceptance or tolerance and allowance. If you are tolerating something, you’re putting up with it.
There can’t be a power imbalance or you end up with one side bullying the other. Allowance is: “Be, choose, and do whatever you want to be, choose and do”. (caveat, not illegal, not harming others, etc.)
Acceptance feels like you don’t have a choice; it feels like; I’m still going to have negative thoughts about it but I’m going to accept it.
When you are in allowance, you are in a space of ease or intimacy with yourself. And you’re fine with someone else having another point of view.
Allowance is the lubricant for change
It’s also the antidote to judgment.
When you are in allowance, you aren’t judging yourself. You’re also not judging others. You’re calm and respectful of their opinions.
You may observe and realize that you disagree but you are aware that you don’t have their life, history, and perspective. That lets you be open enough that you’re able to allow them theirs.
You can sit in the feeling of allowance and make any decisions from that calm and respectful space. That’s the kind of position we need to reach so the antagonism in the world can be reduced. (Notice I didn’t say eliminated.)
It can be challenging to pull off. We have deep beliefs and judgments from our life, or history and perspectives. So do they.
Judgment creates separation — it locks in more of the same and doesn’t allow change.
Give yourself a break — be in allowance with yourself
You get to believe what you believe. This isn’t about changing you. But it is about accepting yourself and accepting others.
Allowance is a vital piece of cultivating intimacy with yourself. To be in allowance with yourself is when you are able to “be, choose and do whatever you want to be, choose and do”. (caveat, nothing illegal, nothing that harms others, etc, etc.)
In this way you allow yourself to create your own life. Remember, making your own choice is Your Superpower.
Allowance is one of the vital pieces of your aliveness. Vulnerable allowance is when you give yourself permission to totally screw up. When you are cultivating aliveness, it is helpful to remind yourself to give yourself a break.
You are allowed to choose without knowing what will happen. You are allowed to try something and then you are allowed to choose something else.
Curiosity is the key to becoming aware of your orientation.
Ask yourself how you are functioning. It’s easy to be in denial of your deeply held beliefs. Practice self-awareness.
What is creating your feelings of upset or frustration? How are you contributing to the judgment in this situation?
Just observe things and don’t attach yourself to the outcome. Self-awareness takes practice.
Giving yourself the freedom of allowance is a loving gift. Remember, you are free to be, choose, and do whatever you want.
Choose something that feeds your aliveness at this moment.
And that just might be the door that opens and you’ll make a strong connection with someone else’s beliefs.
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This originally appeared on Medium