When You Blend Families You Mess With Birth Order

These secrets can help you do it right

May 29, 2025

∙ Paid

After years of single parenting, you’ve finally met the right person and are planning to move in together.

It’s a big step. Don’t enter into a blended family relationship lightly. There’s a great potential to seriously affect the lives of everyone involved.

When you combine families, you enter into a dance of parenting each other’s children, trying to be supportive but not too intrusive.

The good news is, it may be the best decision you ever made.

Be On The Same Side

The most important thing you can do is follow each other’s lead. Talk to your partner and respect their different parenting styles. When you present a united front it gives your children a sense of security. If you don’t, they will soon learn which one of you is the easy mark and you’ll end up in the middle of a conflict.

If you have a different approach than your partner, give yourself a time out together and work out a compromise.

Exponential Relationships

When two people get married, they have a one on one relationship. The first child complicates the mix by increasing the interactions. This continues within the family unit and includes grandparents and other family members.

When you blend families, you increase the number and variety of relationships in a way that can sometimes seem like an explosion. You have two sets of grandparents, multiple cousins, aunts, uncles and other friends. If one of you have an ex, their families may also be part of your expanded circle.

It takes patience, but as long as you remain calm and stand in solid support of your partner, you will navigate these waters.

Everyone Is Not The Same

If you’re a parent, you know it’s impossible to treat everyone the same. Each individual will develop their own relationships with family members.

Ask anyone and they’ll tell you who was the favourite child in their family growing up. There’s always one who had to meet the highest expectations. Often the oldest is the one who has to set the bar and the youngest is the baby, allowed to do many things the older siblings weren’t allowed to do.

This phenomena might have to do with personalities and individual preferences, but I am more inclined to think parents become exhausted over time. They’re more likely to give in because they’ve used all their energy, and have let go of the hard held convictions that new parents hold so closely.

Try and spend special time with each child, yours and theirs. Building a relationship takes time and effort.

Let Kids Set The Pace

Don't force them to call each other “siblings” on day one. Instead, let the connections grow naturally, like moss, not microwave cake.

Remember, you’re messing with birth order. Someone loses their place as the oldest, and someone loses their place as the youngest. You both need to ensure each one of them feels loved and that enough attention is given to each person according to their needs.

Create new traditions together. Don't cling to your old family rituals like a raccoon with a shiny spoon. Instead, build new ones that include everyone.

Treat Them Like Individuals

Accept that "fair" and "equal" aren't always the same thing. Don't panic if one kid gets more attention for a while. Focus on their individual needs, not scorekeeping. Embrace the messiness with a sense of humor and snacks.

Keep The Drama With Your Ex Out Of The Family Chat….

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